Late Breaking News
Mr. Jeffery Ballser of the World International Crisis Foundation declared that no banks were closed today. When asked why this was important news Mr. Ballser said, "A crisis needs important things to happen everyday or people simply lose interest! Yesterday was a red letter day for us with two banks closing, but to keep the impetus going we needed another news release today! We need to let people know that while no banks closed today we can always hope some will on Monday!"
Ms. Regina Malourous of the GPDC said she appreciates Mr. Ballser's news releases. "The only way to get things done in this country is to keep people in a high state of fear." Remarked the slightly overweight Ms. Malourous, "People have been spoiled the last few years with some really great crisises but now many are becoming complacent. We have to keep the panic going. As soon as people stop fearing they might begin questioning government waste, and politician's blatant lying, and that would help no one!"
The only criticism of Mr. Ballser came from Mr. Garri Jeppopolous of the GRTOP who said, my concern is Mr. Ballser uses too many exclamation marks in his press releases. I really don't think over-punctuation helps anyone."
Fishy News
San Diego, US - A Christian group called The Reticence, has accused Starbucks of promoting sex with fish. Their new logo is of a mermaid which is classified in the "neo testament" as subphylum Craniata, i.e. fish.
May Galpo, founder of The Reticence, says Starbucks has put a saucy looking fish in their logo with its tail provocatively open. "Everyone knows when a mermaid presents herself like this she is ready for mating. What kind of Godless society are we living in when a large corporation is promoting inter-species mating?"
Galpo is calling for all members of The Reticence to boycott Starbucks starting today. "It's hard", said Ernie Wallamaker of TR, "I love the Vanilla Latte, but this is just wrong on so many levels."
Galpo has no idea how long their boycott will last, "It could go a week, maybe ten days. Big corporations only understand one thing and that's their bottom line. Starbucks will feel the wrath of TR and they will think twice before pulling a stunt like this again."
An employee at Starbucks, who wished to remain anonymous, was asked if she was worried about the impact of the boycott on the business. "Of course! Ernie is always in here for his coffee and I just opened a new bottle of the vanilla flavoring. But I understand their point and while I don't see anything wrong with fish sex, I respect their opinion." The management of Starbucks did not return our call.
Controversial News
Winnipeg - The Holy Order of Religious People (H.O.R.P.) has announced their new version of the Holy Bible will be released in August of 2008. The bible has been completely rewritten and seeks to make it easier for people to find the quote they're looking for.
Reverend D. Barlow, spokesperson for H.O.R.P. says people spend needless hours searching for just the right quote to back up their conviction. The new bible, called the Neo Testament is convenient in that it is made up of single words that people can put together however they want and make up their own quotes. Rev. Barlow showed us a sample page of the bible.
Photo by Regina Levees
"An extremely sophisticated algorithm was used to figure out the most frequently used words of the old bible and we presented them in that order. A person simply needs to select the words they want to make up a quote. We hope that this will allow anyone to find the words of God they need, when they need." said Rev. Barlow. He also told us they are also working on numerous other languages and there's a lot of interest coming from the Middle East.
Rev. Barlow was asked that if people are making up their own quotes could these still be considered the word of God. "Absolutely!" he explained, "Each word is a word of God, and I personally believe he guides each of us as we put them together."
This reporter was delighted to see just how easy the new bible is to use and quickly came up with this quote from God, "And God sayeth let all Atheists burn in hell."
In Connected News
Toronto, Canada - Video Artist Rob Thompson has started proceedings to sue the United States of America. The artist recently told this reporter that his video, The Dying Spider Dance, was repeatedly being uploaded by Americans onto the popular video site Youtube without his permission.
Photo taken from Youtube
"Although it's a short video" the balding and slightly disfigured Thompson said, "It still cost me time and money to produce. So far it's been downloaded 167 times and I haven't seen a cent!" Thompson then went on to elaborate that he hadn't even had time to put the video up for sale in his online store where he will be selling it for $24.99.
Mr. Ernest Gotley, of the US State Department refused comment on the story but said off the record that he personally felt Thompson has a valid claim. "Of the 167 downloads, 39 were from American web addresses. This kind of piracy must be stopped!"
We contacted Thompson's lawyer and asked exactly how much they would be suing the US government for. Mr. Thompson's lawyer responded, "We're not greedy, I expect it'll be between 1.5 and 2.4 million.
"I always thought Paul McCartney was a money grubber when he spoke out against piracy, I mean how much money does he need?" Thompson confided, "But now I see the cost of illegal downloads and the pain it brings to the victims." Thompson hopes to meet with Sir McCartney to discuss this issue but he says the famous Beatle has not had time to responded to his calls yet.
Thompson concluded by saying that anyone who has watched his video without paying can go to his website reluctantlovers.com and pay him anonymously through his PAYPAL donation button. He feels the RIAA standard rates should apply so people should donate $27,000 for each illegal viewing.
Conflicting News
CEO Jessica Derder was recently fired from top job at Angston Enterprises for refusing to advertise the companies new cell phone as an "iPhone killer". Jessica whose lawyers refused to let her talk to us was reported saying to an unidentified source earlier, "I like the iPhone, why would I want to kill it? There's market share out there for everyone, and there are plenty of great products coming to market that all deserve customers. This ridiculous notion that you have to "own" the market is outdated and immature, it also destroys much of the creativity and innovation that America was once known for."
Ms. Derder with Pip and Pop (Photo by Didi Struff)
Lincoln Childs, member of the board that fired Ms. Derder on Monday said that despite the company's increased profits under her leadership her lack of killer instincts did not bode well for future growth, "We operate in a dog eat dog world and a company has to destroy its competition to survive. Would Harry Callahan show any mercy to the competition, would the Terminator?" When asked if he had any real world examples other than Hollywood characters, Mr. Childs paused, "Sure, let's ask ourselves what John McClane would do?"
Reverend Juan Cook, also a board member at Angston, backed up Mr. Childs sentiments, "The fact is God never had any problem crushing his opponents. Satan was his competition and did God say the devil has a right to exist? No! Out with Satan, out with Derder, it's the Christian thing to do."
Although Ms. Derder is expected to get a severance package worth several million dollars, her boyfriend Didi Struff told us off-the-record, "Jessie was in on the development of this phone from the beginning and to be removed at this point is devastating.
We contacted Apple to find out their response to this "non-competitive" attitude of Ms. Derder's and while they refused to make a comment it is reported that Steve Jobs exclaimed, "Sucker!"
Angstrom Advertising Campaign
Perverse News
Toronto - Special Constables of the Toronto Transit Commission today demanded German performance artist Ernst Kruper give them his ID whilst he was video-taping in the Carlton & Yonge subway station. Mr. Kruper who is visiting Canada and was taking video of his trip to post on YouTube, was told that any videotaping of a commercial nature was "verbotten". When Mr. Kruper protested and said his work was not commercial (nor were most of the videos on YouTube) the officers became surly with him and began asking personal questions like, "How much do you weigh?"
Ernst Kruper Interrogation
Actual video footage of confrontation.
Mr. Kruper who has recently gained international notoriety with his latest exhibit on the internet called, Sexually Perverse Phenomena No One Should Have To See, believes he was singled out because of his edgy art work. While the officers denied they even knew who Ernst Kruper was, Mr. Kruper said, "The way they looked at me, I knew they didn't like performance artists."
This reporter attempted to contact the TTC for their side of the story but when she did she was immediately asked for her ID and they began questioning her about her eye color and weight.
City Ombudsman, Jesse Ovaluardzen, said the question of whether or not videos on YouTube are commercial is a complicated one, "While Mr. Kruper can say his work is not commercial, his refusal to give his weight made the officers suspicious. He should have complied with their request and then written a letter to the TTC to complain."
Mr. Kruper responded, "Is this what the world has come to, guilty until proven innocent? I was going to bring my show, Sexually Perverse Phenomena No One Should Have To See, to Canada, but now I won't until I receive a full apology from those surly fellows."